In a world of my own

Care

2011-11-18T03:26:00.000-08:00

There are times when I feel that people expect me to be a certain way-- the 'way' that they're used to or the 'way' that they think I ought to be. And that really irritates me sometimes. Can't I just be whatever I am? Whatever I feel like? It's not that they're forcing me to be something I'm not. It's more like some people are expecting me to always be this mild tolerant concerned person no matter what. It begs the question: if I'm not as nice as you think I am, would you still like me? And hey, are they forgetting that I do get pissed off too? And I believe I have the privilege of not being concerned about other people as much, especially when I have a lot of other things to be concerned about as well. Can I not be selfish sometimes? Because I do get worn out. And that's what I'm afraid of. That one day I'll just stop caring because I'm just too tired-- something that shouldn't happen, especially since I've chosen a career in health care. And becoming a doctor who doesn't care is the absolute worst thing that I never want to be.

So I'm sorry if I don't appear to care as much as these people would like me to or expect me to or whatever. Because I do care, even if I don't always go out of my way to show it. But I have to have something left for myself.

So if you're asking why I don't appear to care much, I might ask you the same question.

2011-11-17T04:42:00.000-08:00

“Sayuri, I don’t know when we will see each other again or what the world will be like when we do. We may both have seen many horrible things.

But I will think of you anytime I need to be reminded that there is beauty and kindness in the world.”

- Nobu Toshikazu, Memoirs of a Geisha

All is well

2011-11-16T02:04:00.000-08:00

I've decided to keep a personal blog to keep track of my thoughts and memories of the day. I'm sure it'd be interesting to look back and read all of this years from now, and maybe even cringe a little. xD

So today there was yet another long quiz in Biochem. I'm not sure yet what my final score is, but it most certainly will be bad. And I can't help but think that it's my fault. I could've done better-- but I didn't. I guess it's because I think I did considerably well last shift, and the last shift was supposed to be the most difficult one of them all. Naging kampante ako. So I didn't study as hard as I should have. The feeling is really frustrating because, hey, who's to blame for all of this?! Who else but the professors who sent in the test questions!! NOT! :))

I was really feeling bad about it, feeling guilty and all (yes, high conscientiousness? but no, actually I remember I got like a medium to low conscientiousness score on the OCEAN) and I would've continued on in a bad mood if it weren't for the nice prayer that Dr. B shared to us before his lecture. It was the last line that really got to me:

"Knowledge comes from learning, but wisdom comes from God."

And it's absolutely true. Somehow, in a way that I can't fully explain, it lifted my spirits. I guess it reminded me that there are more important things than knowing a lot and getting high grades. I can only hope that I can continue to grow in wisdom. By God's grace. (omg the first thing I actually typed was: By God's grade. WHUT. Freudian slip? xD)

~
On another note, however, I am also experiencing a problem with knowing too much. o.O
And no, I'm not talking about being a know-it-all. It's just that I know things that, hmm, maybe I can't let some people know that I know? Well, the only thing I can do is just go with the flow for now. I hope it gets resolved soon.

Hmmm

2011-11-12T06:12:00.000-08:00

What is this blog all about? I really don't know. I just want to find a place to dump all of the interesting stuff I come across every day. xD